What if...this is my last kick at the can?

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have believed in reincarnation. I have known that I had lived before. Been part of other families, other cultures, other genders. I have always believed I was an old soul. Living life over and over & learning new lessons. Shedding old skins but ever moving forward and evolving.
Raised with two parents, non-practicing of their families' catholic and protestant beliefs. Two parents who both believed in reincarnation, who spoke of past lives and spoke of my telling stories of past lives when I was a child.
All my life I have known that for me, for us, reincarnation was the way we would continue on once we shed this current body and life.

I have always believed, that what we understand happens once we die, in accordance to our chosen faith, is indeed what will happen to us when we die. If you believe in reincarnation, then you will reincarnate. If you believe in Heaven, then you will go to Heaven. If you believe in nothing, then when you die, it is truly the end for you.

I never realized until yesterday, that I seem to have held much comfort in this belief, as I am sure all people of faith or spirituality find comfort in their beliefs. It is a way of acceptance of part of our life path. A way to find peace in the "end" or "unknown" part of our life.


I am also a woman who believes that we receive messages from many different sources during our lifetimes. From friends and family, from professionals, from books, but also from nature, the universe, guides and those who've gone before. I know that for a lot of people, this is hocus pocus, and I definitely am not one to follow anyone blindly, but I also know when to recognize a genuine message when I hear one. Interpreting the message is usually the harder part. Much harder oftentimes.

Yesterday I was given a message by a friend. This friend receives messages infrequently, but has learned that when she receives them, that they are important and must be passed along to the intended.

The message to me was this; "Sarah … do you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders? …You "know" that you have lived other lives. You "know" you are a very powerful spirit. You "know" you are in the body. Yes, this world compared to past lives can be quite boring and without depth at times. But, this life here is your last, which means this time around you are worthy to enjoy the world rather than battle it as you've done in your past lives. Possibly it's time to let go … know that your work is done … you have done extremely well and it's time for the Goddess that you are … to allow yourself to enjoy your life."


"...this life here is your last..."

My last. My last life on this beautiful green earth. My last with my toes in the warm earth and the breeze in my hair. My last.
She went on to say, that this may just mean that it my last in human form, but that how I move on in my next lifetime may be still on this earth, but just in a different way.

She also went on to say, that often what happens to us after we receive the message is more important than the message itself. It is the shift in energy, the shift in thoughts, the shift in behaviour as a result of the message that can be the most powerful part.

Do you ever feel like someone has reached over, grabbed a really good hold on who you are and what you believe and gives it a REALLY good shake leaving you with a million pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit together the way they used to? That is where I am today. 

So what now? What will happen to me when I die? For the first time since as long as I can remember....I don't know.

Some early morning, mid week ponderings.

So a friend made a post about belonging. How they often feel like they don't belong, feel excluded. It made me think, I often don't feel like I belong. In part due to my personality, the way I think, the way I feel, the way I see the world, because I am very socially awkward. At places like at Headwaters/Harvest Gatherings, I will try and join groups du...ring free time, but they end up dispersing shortly after I arrive. I try sitting in open sunshiny spots just enjoying the sunshine, but no one ever comes to sit with me. At work functions, I tend to keep to myself and don't mingle, etc. At family functions I tend to do the same. Sit with a few people I know I will be able to talk to, or keep myself busy with my kids.

My friend said in their post - "when do I exclude others? when do I keep people out? when do I make other feel that they don't belong?".... I've also been trying to figure out in the last few years what energy I'm putting out that is keeping me isolated when in group settings.

I think perhaps it is something I need to sit with. It is always interesting how we feel rejected, but we often create self fulfilling situations for ourselves. We want to belong, but we don't do the things, put out the energy that is welcoming to others? I don't know. I'm not sure how to resolve this or maybe it doesn't need to be resolved and this is just how it is for me in this lifetime?

For those of you who've been with me in these types of social situations, parties, gatherings, etc., I would love to hear your thoughts on how I come across to you. Maybe it will give me some insight?

I've started a website that is still in infancy

www.paintedelephantherbals.ca

Wildcrafting

I am learning. Learning about Our Mother. Learning about her gifts.

I made my first skin salve & lip balms for Yule/Christmas. SO MUCH FUN.
My first order of dried herbs came in this week and I can't wait to dive into them. I'm starting a journal, going through each plant one by one to learn as much as I can on each plant.

I've ordered seeds for my garden. I cannot wait to plant, harvest and make healing products.

Yay!

on second thought...

My spirtual stuff doesn't really fit in as well with my day to day readers necessarily...perhaps I won't merge them... I'll sit on the thought for a while :)

Merging blogs....

I'm thinking about merging a couple of blogs and journals I write in, into this one. Partially because I've been feeling fairly compartmentalized in my writing and so I tend to write less as I have to untangle my spiritual related thoughts from the rest of my day in order to write here...but as we all know, thoughts are often tangled well together and if we try to untangle them we get...fragmented pieces of information that don't always make much sense.

I think I will be moving these posts over to my other blog so you can always check me out there if you are interested....

http://becauseimthemaman.blogspot.com/

water

Earth to Water

I can feel myself shifting. Shifting from the earth I know and love so much to a more liquid place. I don’t know that I will ever be fully comfortable with water but its element has begun to change within me.

The Willow tree is one that I have always felt deeply connected too. The Willow a creature of two worlds needing both Earth and Water to survive…to thrive. Its roots reaching through the soil, reaching through barriers like concrete and stone to find water.

The Elephant is the animal that I have always been drawn too. An animal that lives on the solid earth but is at ease in the water, drinking, bathing even swimming as it if weighs nothing.

I recently had someone tell me that she saw me as a very sensual person and that she saw me as the element Water. I think this comment is what really got me looking at Water and how it is changing in me.

I’m curious to see where my thoughts take me…and where water takes me…..

Duke Redbird

Last night I went to a talk with an Ojibwa Shaman named Duke Redbird. The talk was on Totems in the moden world. He spoke a lot about Countries and what their collective Totem is. What animal has a country picked as their totem animal and how the collective of people adopt those characteristics. Facinating topic. He spoke about a lot of the other countries having predators as animals...and then Canada. We have the Beaver. Not a predator but still a lot of traits that we don't necessarily want.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9_gbYRA9PE&feature=related

Abundance Workshop

This year I'm working on Joy. Joy in my life, Joy around me, Joy within me. Last night I went to a workshop on Abundance. We used/studied
5 crystals ~ Carnelian, Green Tourmaline, Citrine, Cinnabar & Tigers Eye
5 essential oils ~ Beleive (a blend), Abundance (a blend), Rosewood, Bergamot & Juniper
And the divine - Raziel (Judaic Archangel), Ganesh (Hindu God), & Abundantia (Roman Goddess)

All of these things we looked at were to increase abundance in our lives whether they be financial, health, friendship, etc.

10 women, serious in the beginning were all being playful and silly by the end of the night. It was a wonderful workshop.

Afterwards I came home and went to sleep and slept so hard that when I woke in the middle of the night to pee I felt drunk walking too and from the bathroom. I believe my mind rested as much as my body did. It was nice.

At the end of the workshop our host also told us that she had been given a message that was specifically directed at 3 of us. I happened to be one of those three. She gave me a moonstone and told me that last year (2008) was very hard for me but it was partially to prepare me for 2009 and the abundance that was to come for me in 2009. Almost to slow me down so that I would be where I needed to be this year. She mentioned that my abundance was mostly going to be around my business....and I was to meditate on my moonstone and reseach it and spend time with it to see what it had to tell me...interesting

So I am going to take what I learned from the workshop and work on my abundance over the next cycle of the moon. The new moon starts on Monday (Jan 26th) and there is also an eclipse that day. I am working hard at Joy in my life and so the abundance I am looking for, asking the universe and the divine for, is an abundance of Joy.

Whispers from the earth

I can here her whispering to me...as she slumbers. Quiet sounds in my soul. Reminding me not to forget. Never to forget.

Grandmothers' Council Medicine

The spirit Grandmothers hold council deep within the body of Mother Earth to discuss the current state of our Earth. They ponder how to awaken the women who are the warriors, protectors, and daughters of Mother Earth.
(c) Leah Marie Dorion 2004

Autumn musings

I have been delinquent with my posts this year as it has been a very trying year for me emotionally.



In March I decided to take a sabaticle from my Grove as I was feeling the call of my totem to go solo for some time. My totem is the elephant and I am very strong in the male aspects of this great creature and therefor often feel the pull to be alone. It was a very hard decision for me to make and took me years to finally walk away for a time. I'm still not sure if this was a permanent decision for me or if it was something that I just needed to do for this year.



In early April I received a call from my mother that an aunt & uncle had been in a head on collision and were in bad shape. Thankfully they both survived.

Then my husband and I went to France as my husband had business there and I had never been to France (or Europe for that matter) and insisted I come along. While we were there my husbands boss collapsed and died of a massive brain anurysm. Being the only one of the group who spoke French, I had to do much of the dealings with the paramedics, police, etc. My husband stayed an extra week to make sure his boses body got back to Canada ok. Once home we had the funeral to attend. His boss was also owner of the company, so the company was sold and my husband temporarily lost his job.
He is currently working for the new owners but only on contract and may be out of work again as of November.

In July one of my uncles passed. He had been very ill for a very long time. At the viewing he looked like a very different man laying there, but I appreciated the opportunity to be able to see him and say goodbye one last time.

The decision also came to be that I have to re-home my dog, whom I've had since he was 8 weeks old. He is now 8 1/2 year old. This decision was one that has not come easily to me. I have two small children, my son born 3 years ago and my daughter born 1 year ago. My dog, a Border Collie Cross has been mostly good with the kids so far, but as they get older they get more hands on with him and occasionally have hurt him, resulting in warning nips from the dog which has left small welts or bruises. My fear is that if I miss something that the nip will become a devestating bite or worse. I have found a home for him where the woman has no children and will be able to give him tons of one on one love and attention which he so needs and deserves.
I have been grieving since I made this decision and he moves to his new home this Saturday.

Two days ago, I also found out that one of my cousins step father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her biological father (my fathers brother) died when she was two.

Anyway...all this has made me extremely sad and contemplative. I've often wondered why all of these things have happened to me this year. So much death, either physical or mental/emotional separation. A lesson I must learn this year that is slowly piecing together for me. Winter is coming, a time of natural introspection....

Akashic Records...

I saw a woman yesterday who did a treatment for me which included re-aligning some of my energies, a chakra re-alignment and also some healing work while using at least one of my spiritual guides for guidance on what needed work. The mental healing work was very interesting and needed yesterday after a very difficult beginning of the week. She was guided by a very old and bent old native man in full headdress and leather. Very kind eyes but spine bent very much by the burdens I carry with me. We worked on me learning to get rid of these burdens and why I really don't need to be carrying them.
She also spoke to me about my Akashic Records. This was the second time I have had them looked at for me and I find it facinating. I had never heard about them before the first time (approx 3 years ago) and didn't know this woman also did this. Anyway, a few of the things she was shown were very cool. (She doesn't know me very well, we'd only met once previously and in a group session so we didn't really talk at all)
She said that she was shown a sorcerer's type cloak, but all in white being drapped over my shoulders. That I was being given this cloak to wear (symbolically) at this point in my life. She also said she was shown an image of a white owl turning into a white dove over and over. That I was the white owl right now, but was heading more into a stage of being a white dove. Both wise and powerful, but one more a warrior and one more peaceful. She said I also in the past wore a huge amathyst amulet but was forced/resigned to stop wearing it due to my own reluctance to accept the gift that came with it, and/or for being prosicuted/shunned for the gift that came with it, but that I was again approaching a stage in my life that I was ready to put it on again. (I asked her if this was from a past life as I never owned anything like this in this lifetime and she said yes). She also spoke of my past as an herbalist/healer. But that I was one to put others needs before my own and ended up being prosicuted for my gift anyway and that this lifetime I was to accept the gifts but not to put others needs before my own this time. She told me that this journey, this lifetime was to be a more selfish journey. This journey was for me. Not that I would not need others, but that everything I learned and did was for me this time. I asked if I was on the right path spiritually. She said that I had already accomplished everything I needed to spiritually many many years ago and that everything since then has been a bonus/gravy. That I was already where I need to be.

why....

So first off I want to start by saying that this post is not meant to offend. It is just some of my thoughts but as this journal may be read by others I wanted to make a note of that.

My two best friends and I decided around the same time that we were all ready to have children. We are all approximately the same age (within about 6-8 months). We all have access to the same medical care and are in the same approx "class" in terms of income, etc. We are all approximately in the same physical health, save one thing. I am overweight (obese) and my friends are both in the healthy weight range. Now I have read and learned over the years that obese women have a harder time conceiving and may have more complications during pregnancy, labour etc then a woman of a healthy weight, and so going into this process several years ago when deciding to try conceiving our first child I had all this in my mind and was aware that it could possibly be a long road for us.

Well, one of my friends conceived first but miscarried shortly after they found out they were expecting. A month or so later they conceived again and this baby stayed with them and they now have a beautiful daughter.
I conceived a month after they did and had absolutely no complications during my pregnancy. My son was born approx 5 weeks after their daughter was.
About 3 months into my pregnancy, my other friend conceived but like the first friend miscarried a few weeks after they found out they were expecting. And then conceived again approx 3 months later and now have a beautiful son.

I know the statistics say that 33% of women will miscarry a pregnancy, but even in the beginning I wondered why my two friends who were considered more "fit" then I am would be the one's to miscarry and not myself who statistically/medically was supposed to have more issues???

Well, 9 months ago, my husband and I decided it was time to try and conceive our second child. It did take a little bit longer, taking 3 cycles to happen instead of just one. But it happened and even through a very tough move and several illnesses that had me losing weight and being physically ill for weeks we are now 6 months pregnant with no complications with the baby (knock wood).

My two best friends have both since conceived and both since miscarried for their second time. One was upset and relieved at the same time as the second pregnancy had not been planned and she was not really ready for another child yet. She also didn't realize she was pregnant until just days before she miscarried. My other friend was ready and so very excited once again as she has been ready to be a mother for so long. But on the weekend she began to miscarry and lost the fetus. I am so very sad for her loss and her pain and can feel her heart breaking once again.

So I started to wonder once again... why are these two healthy friends having more issues carrying a child then myself???
And I started thinking about all the images over the last many hundreds of years that depict birthing/mother goddesses, and they are often large voluptuous women. Large hips, bum, breasts...very much like I currently am. Now I don't know anything about the past birthing history and if women who were more voluptuous in the past had an easier time carrying children to term... but why is this image chosen for birthing/mother goddesses and is there something about being more voluptuous that aids in holding a child within? I'm not in any way trying to justify my weight... I'm just curious....

Birds have come awake...

Last week every time I stepped out my front door to walk my dog my mind would immediately go to the environment all around me. What was I smelling, hearing, feeling. Did I need to worry about rain, about skunks, were there any other people out at that time of the morning that I needed to be aware of. I try to be aware of these things as often as possible but it felt like last week that I was hyper aware.

On Sunday I drew down Artemis for the grove and she spoke about readying ourselves as warriors for the environment and warriors for peaceful change and about knowing what's going on around us by using our senses as one of the ways to ready ourselves.

This week, early Monday morning when I was walking the dog before 6am (our usual time for a walk) I noticed the birds chirping for the first time this season. It has been so cold until this past week that they have stayed quiet until the sun was well into the sky. This week however they were quite up and happy to be singing the day in.

I think it's so important to pay attention to our environment and the creatures that share it with us. When I drew down Gaia for the first time she gave us the same message. KNOW your environment. Know how to read it. The time has come for me to begin this training in earnest and not just casually as I have been doing until now. Time to train myself, ready myself and teach my children and others at the same time....

Gaia's Girls...

I just received a book in the mal yesterday that I found online by accident last week and ordered. It's a series called Gaia's Girls by Lee Welles (http://www.gaiagirls.com/). It's written for kids age 9 & up but so far I'm enjoying it. As I read about this young girl who has grown up on an organic farm and feels so in touch with the earth I long for my children to have such an experience but feel heartbroken to know that they may not have something like that for a long time or ever. Partially due to not being able to afford a slice of heaven, partially due to the fact that we live were we live due to needing jobs, etc. But how I would love for them to know the sound of birds singing in the dark to help welcome the sun to the new day.

Gaia's daughter

Gaia's Daughter
poem & painting ©1999 Mara Friedman

earth

daughter know however far you may roam

you can draw strength from the Mother

I am your shelter, your home

and when you are weary and long for sorrow's release

remember... hold me close, rest in my arms

I am your refuge, your peace

http://www.newmoonvisions.com/

Two Poems

As seen on the website www.earthshod.com


The moon lies on her back
Mad drunk
Keeping the birds awake
They chat in a foreign tongue
A silvery river flows up the slope
Bearing with it the reflection of a fairy bush
You must be out walking, in Your bare feet

Gabriel Rosenstock's "Barefoot" from Year of the Goddess

Somebody wrote once that the gift of the wilds
is that they ask nothing of us.
But I hear things differently
from Gaia, and this wild canyon land.
The chill river asks me to submerge, even in the coldest of weather.
The first light of dawn: "Rise from your warm bed.
"The rising sun: "Stand and feel me
come into your heart.
"The soft ground: "Please, bare your feet."
Every tiny miracle, reaching,
prays to me to notice,
to bless with my attention and gratitude....
To Be Prayer.

Loba's "Living Gratitude Giving Back to Gaia"

Dreaming of White Buffalo

I posted this on my LiveJournal earlier this month but just wanted to place it here also as it seems very relevant to my journey....
*******
02/07/07 - Dream
I was walking down a path in the woods with a few people. Someone in front of me stopped and said in a quiet voice..."Look! Buffalo!" and a large brown buffalo crossed our path about 15-20 feet in front of us. We stood watching in awe. Then another buffalo crossed behind it. Finally a third one came into view. A totally white/albino buffalo. But it stopped in the path and it's head turned towards us. I knew it was looking at my brother and I and that it was going to start heading towards us so I told my brother to head into the forest and look for a tree he could climb and I would do the same. So it trotted after us and my brother and I both eventually found trees to climb up into. It just stood at the bottom looking up at me.

And some of the information that I found....

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/buffalo.htm

Those who have a Buffalo totem must walk a sacred path, honoring every walk of life. You will achieve nothing without the aid of the Great Spirit and you must be humble enough to ask for assistance and then be grateful for those gifts.
A Buffalo totem will seek to help you establish a deep connection to Mother Earth and it will ask you to help the endangered species of our planet.He will bring you strength of character and an independent spirit.

http://wolfs_moon.tripod.com/whitebuffalototem.html

Light Bearer
White Buffalo is the Totem for one whose Life Path is to awaken the Soul of Others. Yet in order that she might fulfill this role, she need first to find the Light Within herself, to integrate the Mind, Personality, Emotion and Soul.
This is not an "easy" incarnation, as the process of divining ones own Light is an intensive undertaking that is achieved through a combination of life experience, acknowledgment and integration.
When he has attained true Integration, the Light he brings will be seen by All who are willing to learn of the Light within themselves in the splendid dance of the Awakening Soul.

http://www.crystalinks.com/bookofthedead.html
- Chapter 84
And when she promised to return again, she made some prophesies at that time. One of those prophesies was that the birth of a white buffalo calf would be a sign that it would be near the time when she would return again to purify the world.
This means the SHE will bring back harmony again and balance, spiritually. White Buffalo links with the return of White Buffalo Calf women - return of the feminine energies, rebirth and creation

Another step on this path...

So here I am. It's been many years for me on this journey now but I find myself becoming more environmentally aware with each passing season and I feel myself being drawn into this path of becoming more of an environmental voice in my area. And as I let myself be drawn in, I can feel Gaia's touch and approval even stronger within me.

Years ago I was speaking with a friend about how she knew when she was supposed to become a priestess of her patron deity and she said she just knew. I have also heard some friends talk about challenges their patrons have given them to complete before dedicating themselves. Until now I have felt a strong connection with Gaia but never felt it was the time to dedicate myself to her. Did I have the time? Did I have the commitment? But now I feel like that time is coming nearer. It's not here yet, but it's within sight.

So here I am. ~smile~