Autumn musings

I have been delinquent with my posts this year as it has been a very trying year for me emotionally.



In March I decided to take a sabaticle from my Grove as I was feeling the call of my totem to go solo for some time. My totem is the elephant and I am very strong in the male aspects of this great creature and therefor often feel the pull to be alone. It was a very hard decision for me to make and took me years to finally walk away for a time. I'm still not sure if this was a permanent decision for me or if it was something that I just needed to do for this year.



In early April I received a call from my mother that an aunt & uncle had been in a head on collision and were in bad shape. Thankfully they both survived.

Then my husband and I went to France as my husband had business there and I had never been to France (or Europe for that matter) and insisted I come along. While we were there my husbands boss collapsed and died of a massive brain anurysm. Being the only one of the group who spoke French, I had to do much of the dealings with the paramedics, police, etc. My husband stayed an extra week to make sure his boses body got back to Canada ok. Once home we had the funeral to attend. His boss was also owner of the company, so the company was sold and my husband temporarily lost his job.
He is currently working for the new owners but only on contract and may be out of work again as of November.

In July one of my uncles passed. He had been very ill for a very long time. At the viewing he looked like a very different man laying there, but I appreciated the opportunity to be able to see him and say goodbye one last time.

The decision also came to be that I have to re-home my dog, whom I've had since he was 8 weeks old. He is now 8 1/2 year old. This decision was one that has not come easily to me. I have two small children, my son born 3 years ago and my daughter born 1 year ago. My dog, a Border Collie Cross has been mostly good with the kids so far, but as they get older they get more hands on with him and occasionally have hurt him, resulting in warning nips from the dog which has left small welts or bruises. My fear is that if I miss something that the nip will become a devestating bite or worse. I have found a home for him where the woman has no children and will be able to give him tons of one on one love and attention which he so needs and deserves.
I have been grieving since I made this decision and he moves to his new home this Saturday.

Two days ago, I also found out that one of my cousins step father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her biological father (my fathers brother) died when she was two.

Anyway...all this has made me extremely sad and contemplative. I've often wondered why all of these things have happened to me this year. So much death, either physical or mental/emotional separation. A lesson I must learn this year that is slowly piecing together for me. Winter is coming, a time of natural introspection....

Akashic Records...

I saw a woman yesterday who did a treatment for me which included re-aligning some of my energies, a chakra re-alignment and also some healing work while using at least one of my spiritual guides for guidance on what needed work. The mental healing work was very interesting and needed yesterday after a very difficult beginning of the week. She was guided by a very old and bent old native man in full headdress and leather. Very kind eyes but spine bent very much by the burdens I carry with me. We worked on me learning to get rid of these burdens and why I really don't need to be carrying them.
She also spoke to me about my Akashic Records. This was the second time I have had them looked at for me and I find it facinating. I had never heard about them before the first time (approx 3 years ago) and didn't know this woman also did this. Anyway, a few of the things she was shown were very cool. (She doesn't know me very well, we'd only met once previously and in a group session so we didn't really talk at all)
She said that she was shown a sorcerer's type cloak, but all in white being drapped over my shoulders. That I was being given this cloak to wear (symbolically) at this point in my life. She also said she was shown an image of a white owl turning into a white dove over and over. That I was the white owl right now, but was heading more into a stage of being a white dove. Both wise and powerful, but one more a warrior and one more peaceful. She said I also in the past wore a huge amathyst amulet but was forced/resigned to stop wearing it due to my own reluctance to accept the gift that came with it, and/or for being prosicuted/shunned for the gift that came with it, but that I was again approaching a stage in my life that I was ready to put it on again. (I asked her if this was from a past life as I never owned anything like this in this lifetime and she said yes). She also spoke of my past as an herbalist/healer. But that I was one to put others needs before my own and ended up being prosicuted for my gift anyway and that this lifetime I was to accept the gifts but not to put others needs before my own this time. She told me that this journey, this lifetime was to be a more selfish journey. This journey was for me. Not that I would not need others, but that everything I learned and did was for me this time. I asked if I was on the right path spiritually. She said that I had already accomplished everything I needed to spiritually many many years ago and that everything since then has been a bonus/gravy. That I was already where I need to be.

why....

So first off I want to start by saying that this post is not meant to offend. It is just some of my thoughts but as this journal may be read by others I wanted to make a note of that.

My two best friends and I decided around the same time that we were all ready to have children. We are all approximately the same age (within about 6-8 months). We all have access to the same medical care and are in the same approx "class" in terms of income, etc. We are all approximately in the same physical health, save one thing. I am overweight (obese) and my friends are both in the healthy weight range. Now I have read and learned over the years that obese women have a harder time conceiving and may have more complications during pregnancy, labour etc then a woman of a healthy weight, and so going into this process several years ago when deciding to try conceiving our first child I had all this in my mind and was aware that it could possibly be a long road for us.

Well, one of my friends conceived first but miscarried shortly after they found out they were expecting. A month or so later they conceived again and this baby stayed with them and they now have a beautiful daughter.
I conceived a month after they did and had absolutely no complications during my pregnancy. My son was born approx 5 weeks after their daughter was.
About 3 months into my pregnancy, my other friend conceived but like the first friend miscarried a few weeks after they found out they were expecting. And then conceived again approx 3 months later and now have a beautiful son.

I know the statistics say that 33% of women will miscarry a pregnancy, but even in the beginning I wondered why my two friends who were considered more "fit" then I am would be the one's to miscarry and not myself who statistically/medically was supposed to have more issues???

Well, 9 months ago, my husband and I decided it was time to try and conceive our second child. It did take a little bit longer, taking 3 cycles to happen instead of just one. But it happened and even through a very tough move and several illnesses that had me losing weight and being physically ill for weeks we are now 6 months pregnant with no complications with the baby (knock wood).

My two best friends have both since conceived and both since miscarried for their second time. One was upset and relieved at the same time as the second pregnancy had not been planned and she was not really ready for another child yet. She also didn't realize she was pregnant until just days before she miscarried. My other friend was ready and so very excited once again as she has been ready to be a mother for so long. But on the weekend she began to miscarry and lost the fetus. I am so very sad for her loss and her pain and can feel her heart breaking once again.

So I started to wonder once again... why are these two healthy friends having more issues carrying a child then myself???
And I started thinking about all the images over the last many hundreds of years that depict birthing/mother goddesses, and they are often large voluptuous women. Large hips, bum, breasts...very much like I currently am. Now I don't know anything about the past birthing history and if women who were more voluptuous in the past had an easier time carrying children to term... but why is this image chosen for birthing/mother goddesses and is there something about being more voluptuous that aids in holding a child within? I'm not in any way trying to justify my weight... I'm just curious....

Birds have come awake...

Last week every time I stepped out my front door to walk my dog my mind would immediately go to the environment all around me. What was I smelling, hearing, feeling. Did I need to worry about rain, about skunks, were there any other people out at that time of the morning that I needed to be aware of. I try to be aware of these things as often as possible but it felt like last week that I was hyper aware.

On Sunday I drew down Artemis for the grove and she spoke about readying ourselves as warriors for the environment and warriors for peaceful change and about knowing what's going on around us by using our senses as one of the ways to ready ourselves.

This week, early Monday morning when I was walking the dog before 6am (our usual time for a walk) I noticed the birds chirping for the first time this season. It has been so cold until this past week that they have stayed quiet until the sun was well into the sky. This week however they were quite up and happy to be singing the day in.

I think it's so important to pay attention to our environment and the creatures that share it with us. When I drew down Gaia for the first time she gave us the same message. KNOW your environment. Know how to read it. The time has come for me to begin this training in earnest and not just casually as I have been doing until now. Time to train myself, ready myself and teach my children and others at the same time....

Gaia's Girls...

I just received a book in the mal yesterday that I found online by accident last week and ordered. It's a series called Gaia's Girls by Lee Welles (http://www.gaiagirls.com/). It's written for kids age 9 & up but so far I'm enjoying it. As I read about this young girl who has grown up on an organic farm and feels so in touch with the earth I long for my children to have such an experience but feel heartbroken to know that they may not have something like that for a long time or ever. Partially due to not being able to afford a slice of heaven, partially due to the fact that we live were we live due to needing jobs, etc. But how I would love for them to know the sound of birds singing in the dark to help welcome the sun to the new day.

Gaia's daughter

Gaia's Daughter
poem & painting ©1999 Mara Friedman

earth

daughter know however far you may roam

you can draw strength from the Mother

I am your shelter, your home

and when you are weary and long for sorrow's release

remember... hold me close, rest in my arms

I am your refuge, your peace

http://www.newmoonvisions.com/

Two Poems

As seen on the website www.earthshod.com


The moon lies on her back
Mad drunk
Keeping the birds awake
They chat in a foreign tongue
A silvery river flows up the slope
Bearing with it the reflection of a fairy bush
You must be out walking, in Your bare feet

Gabriel Rosenstock's "Barefoot" from Year of the Goddess

Somebody wrote once that the gift of the wilds
is that they ask nothing of us.
But I hear things differently
from Gaia, and this wild canyon land.
The chill river asks me to submerge, even in the coldest of weather.
The first light of dawn: "Rise from your warm bed.
"The rising sun: "Stand and feel me
come into your heart.
"The soft ground: "Please, bare your feet."
Every tiny miracle, reaching,
prays to me to notice,
to bless with my attention and gratitude....
To Be Prayer.

Loba's "Living Gratitude Giving Back to Gaia"