why....

So first off I want to start by saying that this post is not meant to offend. It is just some of my thoughts but as this journal may be read by others I wanted to make a note of that.

My two best friends and I decided around the same time that we were all ready to have children. We are all approximately the same age (within about 6-8 months). We all have access to the same medical care and are in the same approx "class" in terms of income, etc. We are all approximately in the same physical health, save one thing. I am overweight (obese) and my friends are both in the healthy weight range. Now I have read and learned over the years that obese women have a harder time conceiving and may have more complications during pregnancy, labour etc then a woman of a healthy weight, and so going into this process several years ago when deciding to try conceiving our first child I had all this in my mind and was aware that it could possibly be a long road for us.

Well, one of my friends conceived first but miscarried shortly after they found out they were expecting. A month or so later they conceived again and this baby stayed with them and they now have a beautiful daughter.
I conceived a month after they did and had absolutely no complications during my pregnancy. My son was born approx 5 weeks after their daughter was.
About 3 months into my pregnancy, my other friend conceived but like the first friend miscarried a few weeks after they found out they were expecting. And then conceived again approx 3 months later and now have a beautiful son.

I know the statistics say that 33% of women will miscarry a pregnancy, but even in the beginning I wondered why my two friends who were considered more "fit" then I am would be the one's to miscarry and not myself who statistically/medically was supposed to have more issues???

Well, 9 months ago, my husband and I decided it was time to try and conceive our second child. It did take a little bit longer, taking 3 cycles to happen instead of just one. But it happened and even through a very tough move and several illnesses that had me losing weight and being physically ill for weeks we are now 6 months pregnant with no complications with the baby (knock wood).

My two best friends have both since conceived and both since miscarried for their second time. One was upset and relieved at the same time as the second pregnancy had not been planned and she was not really ready for another child yet. She also didn't realize she was pregnant until just days before she miscarried. My other friend was ready and so very excited once again as she has been ready to be a mother for so long. But on the weekend she began to miscarry and lost the fetus. I am so very sad for her loss and her pain and can feel her heart breaking once again.

So I started to wonder once again... why are these two healthy friends having more issues carrying a child then myself???
And I started thinking about all the images over the last many hundreds of years that depict birthing/mother goddesses, and they are often large voluptuous women. Large hips, bum, breasts...very much like I currently am. Now I don't know anything about the past birthing history and if women who were more voluptuous in the past had an easier time carrying children to term... but why is this image chosen for birthing/mother goddesses and is there something about being more voluptuous that aids in holding a child within? I'm not in any way trying to justify my weight... I'm just curious....

Birds have come awake...

Last week every time I stepped out my front door to walk my dog my mind would immediately go to the environment all around me. What was I smelling, hearing, feeling. Did I need to worry about rain, about skunks, were there any other people out at that time of the morning that I needed to be aware of. I try to be aware of these things as often as possible but it felt like last week that I was hyper aware.

On Sunday I drew down Artemis for the grove and she spoke about readying ourselves as warriors for the environment and warriors for peaceful change and about knowing what's going on around us by using our senses as one of the ways to ready ourselves.

This week, early Monday morning when I was walking the dog before 6am (our usual time for a walk) I noticed the birds chirping for the first time this season. It has been so cold until this past week that they have stayed quiet until the sun was well into the sky. This week however they were quite up and happy to be singing the day in.

I think it's so important to pay attention to our environment and the creatures that share it with us. When I drew down Gaia for the first time she gave us the same message. KNOW your environment. Know how to read it. The time has come for me to begin this training in earnest and not just casually as I have been doing until now. Time to train myself, ready myself and teach my children and others at the same time....

Gaia's Girls...

I just received a book in the mal yesterday that I found online by accident last week and ordered. It's a series called Gaia's Girls by Lee Welles (http://www.gaiagirls.com/). It's written for kids age 9 & up but so far I'm enjoying it. As I read about this young girl who has grown up on an organic farm and feels so in touch with the earth I long for my children to have such an experience but feel heartbroken to know that they may not have something like that for a long time or ever. Partially due to not being able to afford a slice of heaven, partially due to the fact that we live were we live due to needing jobs, etc. But how I would love for them to know the sound of birds singing in the dark to help welcome the sun to the new day.

Gaia's daughter

Gaia's Daughter
poem & painting ©1999 Mara Friedman

earth

daughter know however far you may roam

you can draw strength from the Mother

I am your shelter, your home

and when you are weary and long for sorrow's release

remember... hold me close, rest in my arms

I am your refuge, your peace

http://www.newmoonvisions.com/

Two Poems

As seen on the website www.earthshod.com


The moon lies on her back
Mad drunk
Keeping the birds awake
They chat in a foreign tongue
A silvery river flows up the slope
Bearing with it the reflection of a fairy bush
You must be out walking, in Your bare feet

Gabriel Rosenstock's "Barefoot" from Year of the Goddess

Somebody wrote once that the gift of the wilds
is that they ask nothing of us.
But I hear things differently
from Gaia, and this wild canyon land.
The chill river asks me to submerge, even in the coldest of weather.
The first light of dawn: "Rise from your warm bed.
"The rising sun: "Stand and feel me
come into your heart.
"The soft ground: "Please, bare your feet."
Every tiny miracle, reaching,
prays to me to notice,
to bless with my attention and gratitude....
To Be Prayer.

Loba's "Living Gratitude Giving Back to Gaia"

Dreaming of White Buffalo

I posted this on my LiveJournal earlier this month but just wanted to place it here also as it seems very relevant to my journey....
*******
02/07/07 - Dream
I was walking down a path in the woods with a few people. Someone in front of me stopped and said in a quiet voice..."Look! Buffalo!" and a large brown buffalo crossed our path about 15-20 feet in front of us. We stood watching in awe. Then another buffalo crossed behind it. Finally a third one came into view. A totally white/albino buffalo. But it stopped in the path and it's head turned towards us. I knew it was looking at my brother and I and that it was going to start heading towards us so I told my brother to head into the forest and look for a tree he could climb and I would do the same. So it trotted after us and my brother and I both eventually found trees to climb up into. It just stood at the bottom looking up at me.

And some of the information that I found....

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/buffalo.htm

Those who have a Buffalo totem must walk a sacred path, honoring every walk of life. You will achieve nothing without the aid of the Great Spirit and you must be humble enough to ask for assistance and then be grateful for those gifts.
A Buffalo totem will seek to help you establish a deep connection to Mother Earth and it will ask you to help the endangered species of our planet.He will bring you strength of character and an independent spirit.

http://wolfs_moon.tripod.com/whitebuffalototem.html

Light Bearer
White Buffalo is the Totem for one whose Life Path is to awaken the Soul of Others. Yet in order that she might fulfill this role, she need first to find the Light Within herself, to integrate the Mind, Personality, Emotion and Soul.
This is not an "easy" incarnation, as the process of divining ones own Light is an intensive undertaking that is achieved through a combination of life experience, acknowledgment and integration.
When he has attained true Integration, the Light he brings will be seen by All who are willing to learn of the Light within themselves in the splendid dance of the Awakening Soul.

http://www.crystalinks.com/bookofthedead.html
- Chapter 84
And when she promised to return again, she made some prophesies at that time. One of those prophesies was that the birth of a white buffalo calf would be a sign that it would be near the time when she would return again to purify the world.
This means the SHE will bring back harmony again and balance, spiritually. White Buffalo links with the return of White Buffalo Calf women - return of the feminine energies, rebirth and creation

Another step on this path...

So here I am. It's been many years for me on this journey now but I find myself becoming more environmentally aware with each passing season and I feel myself being drawn into this path of becoming more of an environmental voice in my area. And as I let myself be drawn in, I can feel Gaia's touch and approval even stronger within me.

Years ago I was speaking with a friend about how she knew when she was supposed to become a priestess of her patron deity and she said she just knew. I have also heard some friends talk about challenges their patrons have given them to complete before dedicating themselves. Until now I have felt a strong connection with Gaia but never felt it was the time to dedicate myself to her. Did I have the time? Did I have the commitment? But now I feel like that time is coming nearer. It's not here yet, but it's within sight.

So here I am. ~smile~